There are days when your chest feels heavy. Like there are a thousand word inside you waiting to coming out. But then you pause. You look around. And suddenly the question in your mind.

TALK TO WHO??

Bukan sebab tiada kawan. People are everywhere. Friend, family even strangers online. But somehow, when the heart really need a place to rest, semua orang rasa jauh. 

Bila bercerita, some people listen just to reply. Some people listen to judge. And some they listen but they never really understand pun.  So slowly without realizing it, kita hanya perlu diam dan pendam seorang diri je lakan?

Bila kita pendam tu, bukan sebab kita kuat sangat pun, bukan sebab kita tak perlukan sesiapa. Tapi sebab explaining your pain again and again to salah orang is more exhausting than keeping it inside. 

Tak boleh ke orang just dengar tanpa mempersoalkan atau membandingkan? Sudah la mempersoalkan dan membandingkan lepastu buat kita terasa hati pula. 

Kita ini, diri ini cuma perlu someonw who says “ it’s okay, i’m here. Just talk.” But the true is, kekadang the fear grows deeper. 

Ada masa sampai takut untuk kenal orang baru. Ada juga masa kenal orang baru tu i feel like i have to pretend to be normal. Berpura-pura okay. Berpura-pura kuat. Berpura-pura seperti nothing happened in my head and my heart. Because im afraid, if i show the real side of me,  people who are getting close might think im problematic, depressed or even crazy.

Secara ironic, i can accept people as they are. Saya boleh dengar cerita orang lain. I can sit there for hours listening to someone’s pain, their confusion, their fears. But when someone tried to really know me, that’s where i struggle the most. 

Entah kenapa, senang untuk faham orang lain berbanding nak fahamkan diri sendiri. So sometimes the question still stays the same when my mind is full and when my heart feels tired. 

I just wonder, talk to who?

And maybe that’s why some of the deepest conversations we ever have are the only whisper inside our own mind. 

The moment i realized that caring too much only brings pain was the moment i started pretending that i dont care. So i learned to stay quiet, to act like nothing matters and to hide what i truly feel.

Some people tak berpuas hati dengan diri aku, sebab mereka menuduh aku “ KAU NI SIAL AH, KEJAM SIAK KAU, KAU FIKIR DIRI KAU JE, KAU TAK PERNAH KISAH PASAL ORANG SEKELILING KAU!!” But the truth is, from a distance i still look, i still wonder and i still care more than i should. Even when i try to  “ Ahhh, Lantak la apa nak jadi, bukan ada kene mengena dengan diri aku pun.” Ada part of my heart is still holding on. 

The reason i pretend is because people know how deeply i love. When i care about someone, i love with no boundaries. Whether it’s friend or a lover. They know i have lot of love to give. Maybe because of that, many people have taken advantage of me.

That’s why im always end up feeling let down and disappointed. I get hurt easily, not because i am weak, but because i give my heart sincerely, while others dont always do the same. 

Tapi, dengan berpura-pura tidak mengambil berat bukan sebab aku tawar hati tapi its the only way to menjaga hati atau berjaga-jaga supaya tidak terlalu meluahkan atau terjatuh atau tersayang lebih dalam (loved too deeply, too sincerely).